Thursday, June 5, 2008

NYC Dating through the Eyes of a Corporate Attorney

As you can see from the blurb about me at the top of this page, I'm a happily married and gainfully employed father who left the world of dating years & years ago. But many of my peers are none of those things: not a parent, not married, not committed to a relationship or Parkview, stuck in the mire and merriment of NYC dating. One of them, whom we'll pretend is named "Will", wrote this fitting piece for Dealbreaker:

The High Yield Debt ("Junk Bond"): The untamed and often uncontrollable vixen, commonly referred to as the mistress. She's not looking for any long term investment, but she could offer a mind-blowing weekend in Maui, as long as she doesn't pick up the tab. There is no middle ground with these types--they enjoy either the high flying adventure or nothing at all; they come with a price. If their partner slips up in any way or ceases to perform, she will immediately default, leaving a trail of broken hearts in her often destructive path. The Junk Bond is perfect for the young and the immature--those who have not experienced the ups and downs of the dating world and simply want to reap the benefits of lust and adventure. They won't stick around to raise your children, but they will give you a great escape from them.

The Investment Grade Security: The 1950's housewife. She's quiet, calm, sweet, and patient; she'll never get too riled up and will stick with you even in the worst of times. Considered by many to be the ideal wife and future mother of one's children. Perfect for the well seasoned and experienced individual--one who has seen the highs and lows of the dating scene and is ready to settle down into a stable, committed relationship. They'll never make you rich, but will also never let you down.

The Bridge Loan: Perfect for the recovering heart-broken man. She is generally kind and gentle, often not requiring much from her partner, but generally giving exactly what is needed--a short term tryst that will leave her partner confident and more experienced upon her leave. She rarely leaves a trail of broken hearts in her wake because she always has the grace to end the relationship amicably. In fact, many men call upon the bridge loan several times in their lives for quick fixes to broken hearts. She, being the selfless type, is always willing to accommodate.

The Asset Based Revolver ("ABR"): The ABR is the trickiest of all the breeds of women--often the most superficial, but generally the most desirable by those with great ambition. She can help her partner reap great benefits, but can take them away just as quickly. She is a social climber, socialista, and often the life of the party--constantly armed with Christian Louboutins stilettos, Balenciaga handbags, and a perfectly sculpted slender body accented with wildly untamed hair. She will make an initial investment in various types of men, but will only stay with those who continually build upon their fortunes. Any faltering in realized ambition will cause her to immediately walk away, taking with her not only her partner's pride, but often a significant portion of his assets--not to mention his social circle. She carries great penalties, but for the ambitious, she will give continually greater rewards proportionate to her partner's increased net worth. Great marriage material for the superficial and ambitious men of the world, but be warned: If she files for divorce, the consequences will be catastrophic.

The Subordinated Debt: Generally the second, third, fourth, etc. wife. She's often a short term fix to a misguided life, frequently brought about by some midlife crisis filled with dreams of reinvention. Arriving in the picture only after her partner has already made his considerable wealth, she rarely reaps the financial benefits of the first wife, to whom her partner owed the most, and to whom her partner always gave, and will continue to give, the most. The subordinated debt will generally have to sign a bullet-proof prenuptial agreement that will reap her modest, but never outsized returns upon the almost guaranteed divorce. She's perfect for the self-made man who needs the affection of a beautiful (and often younger) woman and the appearance of stability with a marriage. The subordinated debt is always hoping that upon her partner's death, she will be favored in the will, but she is always disappointed when the children from the first marriage get the lion's share of the wealth.

Read the rest live on Dealbreaker. Check out the comments - they're uber-fun.

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